Sense And Sensibility

♥♥♥

2009-05-08T15:14:00.004+08:00

MOVED

here

picture timee

2008-11-19T12:47:00.002+08:00

Hey ppl!
HARDROCK PICTURES!

knock yourselves out. haha. if you need the password ask me.

moving

2008-10-23T19:49:00.002+08:00

k i think it's safe to say my shift to Livejournal is gonna be permanent.

Relink HERE
guess ill keep this for the tagboard and links.

Enjoy (:

2008-10-17T21:18:00.001+08:00

Picture courtesy of Inez Chew (:

................

2008-10-11T23:19:00.003+08:00

pictures

2008-10-11T14:48:00.000+08:00

Click for Grad Day Pictures!!

moving for now...

2008-10-06T19:31:00.002+08:00

Okay im tired of deciding where to post.
I'm sticking with livejournal for now.

Click HERE.

i prefer it because posts can be locked.

update

2008-10-05T00:07:00.005+08:00

I've been lazy to post in blogger the past 2 weeks. Livejournal's more appealing.
But anyway. just had OktoberFest picnic in the park with the usual gang.. Awesome food. Lots n lots of sausages and beer.

Victoria-kew will be pleased to hear i managed to control myself particularly well. I left the park with nothing more than a headache. The little kids played with light sticks and sparklers while i sat around listening to the adults and their giggling over sexual innuendoes. Because we were playing with those bubbles.. the ones you have to put the gel on a stick and blow it out into a bubble.. There was lots of repetition with the word blow.. especially when we were making a man with bubbles. Overall i feel guilty for enjoying myself because im only 29 days away from disaster and im still enjoying myself.

Today was the KidsRead graduation ceremony at NLB in bugis. It was held in 'The Pod' which is their most swanky conference space with an amazing aerial view of singapore.

Then went to bugis with salama n had a small earring spree. Then i wandered bugis for a while after she left and i found the japanese mochi thingies from beard papa or smth and bought a box of 6. bloody expensive. 2 bucks for a small little pao-shaped thing. its like snowskin with icecream inside.

But anyway. It is now past midnight and officially the 5th of october, so...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY
JACLYN CHONG JUN ER!!!
i hope you see this. (: love you!

spaces

2008-09-22T23:18:00.002+08:00

the A level oral exam for clb was today. and guess what. i blew it. i suck so bad i swear. i doubt i managed to save my abysmal marks. i shall refrain from ranting on about how i stared at the examiner like an idiotic goldfish.

The A levels in itself are looming. looming. looming. it's like this is the period.. the calm before the storm.. when everything appears to be fine.. still.. almost serene...
until the hurricane arrives and ravages us.
i am without a doubt it's going to suck big time. in my head im already planning the bonfire we're going to have to burn all our notes. to hell with the environment. it'll just have to give us this one satisfaction.
______

anyway. im living with my granny for a couple of days while my parents are off wandering around italy. ugh. not that im complaining because i miss them. im complaining cos im stuck here.

so im up in my aunt's vacant room sitting on the bed with my laptop. im not complaining i love being in peace without my parents breathing down my neck asking me what im doing or why im not asleep.

the only down side. is the ceiling of this room is so high and the windows at the top partially open, which is why it was awfully noisy during the stupid thunderstorm last night. i slept terribly, dreaming that i snuck out of this house to go home and sleep in the rain. it was more like a nightmare really.. cos i couldnt tell if i was dreaming for once. ugh. whatever it is i hope tonight's better. 3 more nights before i can return to my own bed. sigh.

untouchable

2008-09-17T22:35:00.003+08:00

so school's been shit. but what's new right.
slept through my lessons monday n tuesday.
stayed home today. apparently results are shit too. for everyone.
cant wait till it's over. this is so not what living is supposed to be.

been checking out vampire themed tv shows lately. i guess it's the most far off from reality element that draws me to it.

58days to freedom
71days to pamela tan (:

updates

2008-09-07T21:06:00.014+08:00

Firstly,

Happy Birthday Val!!
sorry i couldnt make the party. but i heard you had fun and liked the present :)

N also it was my daddy's birthday.
Looks like he got his birthday present after all.
Bought himself a new car. hah.
had to take a last picture with the old car.

had a little gathering for him at night cos mummy was out of town at uncle lenny's birthday dinner in penang. we rented the movie 21 and the rest brought cake.

The night before though while my mummy was still around we had another cake.

He's wishing for his new car

Absolutely impossible to get them to smile for a decent picture.

______________________

Today was the first day in weeks ive noticed the sunset. It was pretty. Wish i'd gotten home a LITTLE earlier then i might've gone up to the roof to take better pictures.

once again

2008-09-03T13:20:00.002+08:00

Ugh

2008-09-02T21:30:00.002+08:00

Damn. I hate crowds. I hate being surrounded by people.. This claustrophobia just gets progressively worse i swear. Today's studying in school sucked balls. It was so crowded. I couldnt take it. Left after 2.

Anyway Vic & Yve have arrived in Perth, and i heard the surprise went really well (: I'm quite glad. But yeah at the same time i'd SO much rather be there enjoying the cold than in this godforsaken place studying for prelims. Ah well life sucks.

I need to shop. Very badly. But i need money first.
Anyone willing to sponsor me?

(:

2008-09-02T00:04:00.001+08:00

:)

2008-09-01T00:17:00.004+08:00

okay i seriously need to get off this site.

polyvore :)

2008-08-31T19:44:00.004+08:00

Pamela tan

2008-08-30T16:59:00.003+08:00

thank you for calling im really glad you decided to although the situation aint that great. i really dont know what to say to help you deal with what happened because i have no idea how to deal with something so big either but whatever it is just know im here for you anytime yeah? just call whenever. i hope things get better next week. and that things dont get awkward with that group of people who were the friends of those kids. i wish i could be there with you though. next week will get better i promise. miss you n love you loads.

fugg

2008-08-23T23:13:00.001+08:00

okay im officially in shit. prelims start in oh... 1 DAY. and guess what i did this afternoon. (i completely blame my brother btw). i spent it reading Breaking Dawn. My brother found the story online. Completely downloadable. And thats what i did. Ugh. i mean i dont know how worth sacrificing my studies it is... but the story was good. haha. funny and intense.

Termites

2008-08-14T23:31:00.007+08:00

Dilbert for the day. =)

Sean........

2008-08-09T23:59:00.000+08:00

happy birthday you :)

hello jeanette

2008-08-04T22:09:00.001+08:00

Thank you for the post Pamela Tan.
I love you times infinity. :)
Forever and always babe.

great..

2008-08-01T23:56:00.003+08:00

Our last GP lecture of the year was about writing about happiness. Of all topics. The last thing i am right now is happy. Im not about to take out my notes to look through to define my unhappiness so all i have to say is that firstly, i have no purpose in my life at this moment. And secondly, well, circumstances and situations just about suck. Thirdly, stress about not stressing about exams. Ugh. Theres lots more i cant bring myself to look at but pile it all on, and you have one very unhappy person.

The problem is that if given a chance to do things differently, i have no idea what to change. It's not even always my actions that make myself unhappy. At the moment i guess it's more other people. I dont mean to sound... i dunno.. like an asshole, but its just how im feeling at the moment. Everything just irritates me and all i wanna do is rent all the seasons of Charmed and lock myself up at home and watch it. I'm feeling bloody hedonistic at the moment. I think i need to stay away from people in general before i end up biting someone's head off.

Okay not everyone. Some people never fail to cheer me up. Like you pamela tan, vickew, and zhenyi i know ur reading this. I just want to say thank you i guess. Cos i feel insane so often n u guys make me feel the slightest bit normal. I cant believe it's a 10month wait between the last time i saw you and the next time ill seeyou pamela tan. but im never letting it get this long ever again i promise.

Today's cake didnt help one bit. As i ate it i felt even shittier. Not to mention the hole it burned in my pocket. I think i need to think with my head next time. Not my emotions. I need to feel like im in control of my emotions again. I keep getting these waves of anger going through me and its scary sometimes. I keep having to resist these violent urges like ripping someone's hair out or stabbing someone in the eye with my pencil and im dead serious. Each time some urge comes up and passes, im shocked with myself for even thinking it. I think there's something seriously wrong with me at the moment.

Ugh

2008-07-29T23:08:00.003+08:00

This is exactly how i feel right now. But only like ive got a frigging bus lying on top of me and i cant breathe.

Its been a while. And im becoming a bigger bitch as each day goes by. Mostly, i feel guilty for being mean.. but sometimes i just cant give two fucks. Really. I just need to get on with my life and forget about everything else for a while. Just stick with the people who matter to me and i'll be fine.

Anyway, that aside. Someone was ranting about bus ettiquete. or however its spelt. i cant be bothered to check. too goddamn tired.

Anyway she was ranting about how people put their bags on the seats so people dont occupy the empty seats next to them. I quote:
"WHY CAN PEOPLE NOT MOVE THE FUCK IN?! Are you that high and mighty that you don't want common strangers sitting next to you?! THEN RENT A FUCKING HELICOPTER."
The last line's my favourite. and so so true.

Peektures

2008-07-26T23:50:00.004+08:00

Just got home from retreating. Was loads better than last year's one thankfully. Haha. Anyway decided to just post some random recent pics from my phone.

Racial Harmony Celebrations

Retreat

Twilight

2008-07-13T17:00:00.002+08:00

This is just wrong. Seriously. He's SUPPOSED to be hot. What were they thinking? He looks like a freaking zombie! Nothing like the sparkling gorgeous vampire he's supposed to be acting as. At least she's hot. They better have chemistry man.

neeed a longer break

2008-07-07T16:03:00.003+08:00

I want another life please and thank you. I'd rather have a slower lifestyle that allowed me the opportunity to do things at leisure. I mean seriously yesterday when i got home i wanted to start reading the Twilight book i borrowed from vic but my mum kept asking me why i was reading trash. I had to remind her that im not the only one and that the book isnt that trashy. Then she asked me to go do something more productive which pissed me off because i was extremely happy as i was and i had no intention of doing anything other than reading my book.

In the end i waited till they left to go watch the play before i settled down to read. I looked up at around 9.30 and realised i'd forgotten to eat dinner.
I wish everyday could be like that. Being free enough to read or watch as much television as i liked. But we all know it's never gonna happen.

I have to admit. Stephanie Meyers, although she doesnt have the best sentence structuring, does write one helluva interesting story. And i seriously have no idea how Cedric Diggory or whatever his real name is is going to live up to my ideal of edward cullens. Hahaha. okay guys id say im hooked. I didnt put the book down yesterday till i finished it. And then once id finished i wanted the next one. haha. sigh.

I think we're getting back our exam papers this week. Yikes i tell you. It's not gonna be pretty at any rate.

:)

2008-07-06T22:10:00.003+08:00

Ive finally borrowed the book Twilight from vic :)

Anyway im home alone so for the past 3 hours been doing nothing but reading it.
I can see why pam n vic love it.haha.

Anyway im about halfway through and the first conclusion ive arrived at is:
They cast the wrong looking guy as Edward Cullen. I simply cannot imagine him doing half the things edward cullen does with Bella. hahahaha.

Okay. im going to finish the book tonight.

Term 3

2008-07-01T22:43:00.002+08:00

Today's officially the first day back to school. Have to say with the class almost half empty (14/24 ppl) i felt like i could breathe and lessons were pretty fun. Hahaha. never thought id use those words in the same sentence.
Hopefully i get into the constant revision practices i need to be doing. It's the only way i think.

Oh bought my handphone screen protector today. like FINALLY. i swear that stupid peeling plastic was pissing me offf.

It's midweek already! wow time flies. Hahaha. The sucky thing is PTM is coming again in 18 days. shitsss. dooms day once more.

To Pamela Jeanette Tan

2008-06-29T18:53:00.070+08:00

I was looking through all these old photos the other day and i was reminded of all the things we ever did together. I think our parents got it right, the whole raising children thing. I'll be the last person to declare i have a deprived childhood cos ours was anything but deprived. I'm glad to say ive known you my whole life and will be your best friend forever.

I hope we get to go on another holiday soon. All the old ones of Melacca Bintan Batam Kuantan Perth Melbourne Bangkok and all the rest were some of the best times i ever had. Not to mention the most adventurous. It sucks you're so far away now but having these pictures and memories with me make it seem no time has passed at all when you come back.

I hope in the future i can give my kids what our parents gave us. Maybe we can do it together like our mums did but that seems a little hard given the circumstances right now. haha. Anyway, ive posted loads of pictures for you.
I think the rest of the young ones were bloody adorable. hahaha. despite how annoying we used to find them. Love you.

geeez

2008-06-24T23:15:00.003+08:00

Today...
1st H2 paper. Econs..
godawful.
stupid.
ugh.
whatever.
ANYWAY. its midyears.

we went to amk to watch The Hulk after.
All jordan's idea. hahaha. but it was damn funny.
I dunno why. cant really remember.
But whatever movie i watch as long as Salama's next to me
the movie becomes funny. Hahahaha. Well good therapy.

Anyway.

tomorrow i will do math. tomorrow i will do math. tomorrow i will do math. tomorrow i will do math. tomorrow i will do math. tomorrow i will do math. tomorrow i will do math. tomorrow i will do math. tomorrow i will do math. tomorrow i will do math. tomorrow i will do math. tomorrow i will do math. tomorrow i will do math. tomorrow i will do math. tomorrow i will do math. tomorrow i will do math. tomorrow i will do math. tomorrow i will do math. tomorrow i will do math. tomorrow i will do math. tomorrow i will do math. tomorrow i will do math. tomorrow i will do math. tomorrow i will do math. tomorrow i will do math. tomorrow i will do math. tomorrow i will do math. tomorrow i will do math. tomorrow i will do math. tomorrow i will do math. tomorrow i will do math. tomorrow i will do math. tomorrow i will do math. tomorrow i will do math. tomorrow i will do math. tomorrow i will do math. tomorrow i will do math. tomorrow i will do math. tomorrow i will do math. tomorrow i will do math. tomorrow i will do math. tomorrow i will do math.

hahaha. god help me.

Muuuusicc =)

2008-06-20T22:39:00.005+08:00

Today when my mum was complaining to my dad in the car about the sound system not sounding right i realised how much music has always been a part of my life. My parents love music, im surrounded by my parents friends who all grew up together and were all in some church choir. My friends and i growing up got many chances to sing on cds and in choirs and now i cant imagine what my life would have been like without the experiences ive had.

I guess the songs you grow up listening to are the ones that stay with you for life. Like you know when you're parents are listening to their radio station and this old song comes on and for some strange reason you can totally sing along although you never learnt the words in your life. I've been listening to lots of old songs lately. Especially after last week's wedding dinner. Mann the music was good and i miss all those songs. The one still stuck in my head for some reason is the Luther Vandross one. OH which reminded me of this other song. I cant remember when i first heard it but i was a kid. And i listened to it again a lot last year and it makes me cry. It's seriously bittersweet. I want it played at my wedding.(if i ever get hitched.) I'll have to have a father-daughter dance then. Haha. Seeing as i usually dance with my daddy at wedding dinners anyway. This must be my post-father's day spirit.

Butterfly Kisses by Bob Carlisle.

There's two things I know for sure:
She was sent here from heaven and she's daddy's little girl.
As I drop to my knees by her bed at night
She talks to Jesus and I close my eyes and
I thank god for all the joy in my life
Oh, but most of all

For butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer;
sticking little white flowers all up in her hair;
"Walk beside the pony, Daddy, it's my first ride."
"I know the cake looks funny, Daddy, but I sure tried."
In all that I've done wrong I know
I must have done something right
to deserve a hug every morning and butterfly kisses at night.

Sweet 16 today
She's looking like her mama a little more everyday
One part woman, the other part girl.
To perfume and make-up from ribbons and curls
Trying her wings out in a great big world.

But I remember
Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer;
sticking little white flowers all up in her hair.
"You know how much I love you, Daddy, But if you don't mind
I'm only gonna kiss you on the cheek this time."
With all that I've done wrong
I must have done something right
to deserve her love every morning and butterfly kisses at night.

She'll change her name today.
She'll make a promise and I'll give her away.
Standing in the bride-room just staring at her.
She asked me what I'm thinking and I said "I'm not sure-
I just feel like I'm losing my baby girl."
She leaned over...gave me butterfly kisses with her mama there,
Sticking little white flowers all up in her hair
"Walk my down the aisle, Daddy-it's just about time."
"Does my wedding gown look pretty, Daddy? Daddy, don't cry!"

Oh, with all that I've done wrong I must have done something right.
To deserve your love every morning and butterfly kisses-
I couldn't ask God for more, man this is what love is.
I know I gotta let her go, but I'll always remember
every hug in the morning and butterfly kisses at night.
________

Despite every rule and law and restraint my daddy's put on me i do love him.

The 40th anniversary wedding

2008-06-16T22:30:00.030+08:00

So the cousins were down for the weekend wedding. Had lots of fun. Finally got out to go shopping. =) long overdue. Introduced my darlin cousins to the legendary Fried Mars Bars. They went nutso. haha. Manda and i wandered off so i took her to the skinny jeans shop New Future. She bought black skinnys on the spot n wore them there and then. We figured the rest wouldnt even notice she was in different jeans n true enough no one noticed.

So anyway saturday was the wedding. What do 2 girls dressed up for a wedding do in the backseat? Camwhore of course. =)

The Car Ride:

At the church:

Then we went back to rest n get ready for dinner.
Waiting to leave:

Then the dinner:

Our table

the parents

typical toilet run

the Emcee of the night:

Many years ago, these were paige boys&flower girls at Aunty Tracey's wedding.

On saturday night we discovered who the 2 mysterious cute little boys back then were now.
All grown up:

The rest of the night:

brandon,kurt,dj

The night was loads of fun. DJ n brandon are awesome dancers man. haha totally stole the dance floor. specially with Thriller. =)

I'm gonna miss those crazy cousins of mine. They better come visit soon.

=)

2008-06-12T17:43:00.002+08:00

I officially feel accomplished.
No, it's not studying.
I finally hunted down the driver for my laptop display!=)
Super duper happy now.
I know god how geeky does that sound.
But the default display was killing me.
It hurt my eyes. Yes that's it. It wasn't clear enough.

Anyway. Ive tried doing econs today.
Not much success apparently.
My daddy's been home and he's walkin through the house
He's very perceptive.

Him: Alyssa, come help me connect this.
Me: (gives him the do-i-have-to stare)
Him: not like you're doing anything anyway
me: (stares at the notes in my lap)
Him: i know, you're contemplating.
me: fine. haha.

he knows me so well.
________

My cousins are coming down from malaysia tomorrow. They're staying with us for the weekend cos of the wedding anniversary celebrations. I think it's their first time in singapore. Should be quite a handful i'll say. Enough to drive my mum up the wall. Haha. Nah. Someone'll have to take them shopping. haha. Maybe i can shop! Wait. i forgot. i'm broke. I think ive only got a measley $5 in my wallet. Shits. So much for saving. and so much for the great singapore sale. Ah bugger.

Productivity is overrated

2008-06-11T21:21:00.002+08:00

I've been so lazy at home. But not like i havent done anything. I've been doing lots. Just not much studying. Exams are only 2 weeks away and im royally screwed. I feel like im just gonna crash land into my A levels.

Anyway I've finally installed Windows Vista on my laptop. yay me. I just hope i dont encounter too many issues with it. My weird dreams are still consistently weird. which just goes to show my subconscious is full of rubbish. I went to the gym today. Very good progress. I managed to drag my arse out of the house n go there. Technically my mum drove us there but yeah its the mental torture of going there really. Dont know why its so hard. Oh well. Baby steps baby steps.

158 days to my birthday according to pamela tan who's "effing" counting down.
Love her for it. =)

Incase people arent aware. My father, a.k.a techno-geek, has finally decided to clamp down on my internet. So my computer only receives internet access for 2 hours a day from 9 to 11 pm. It's sad, but after a while it isnt so bad. Too much staring at a screen is really bad. I think ive finally proven to myself that after staring at my screen for a long period of time, i cannot focus or stare at my work and concentrate for long enough to get anything done. Moral of the story, watching tv and staring at computer screens shorten your attention span. I believe it's actually been proven. hahaha.

Anyway off to watch Ratatouille. It's movie night. =)

NOTE!

2008-06-04T23:18:00.008+08:00

MISSING!

Responds to "Sharifa", "Salama", and more recently "rockstar".
Please be wary. She is mildly to moderately retarded and may resist arrest or capture. Approach at your own risk.

hahaha. kidding. love you my little munchkin.

Exhausted

2008-06-03T22:04:00.002+08:00

Went to school to study today.. The main attraction was fish soup. but lo and behold the fucking stall WASNT OPEN!!! what the hell man i was so pissed. Almost walked out of school but rhian wouldnt let me. Ah well.. Eventually studied about 4 hours.. Really good considerin i hardly manage 10 mins in one sitting at home..

I'm tired of my life. Serious. This is not how living life's supposed to feel like. This isn't living. It's simply existing for the most mundane purpose..if you can even call it a purpose. And it's not like we're working hard now so we can enjoy our future because in future we're just gonna be slaves to our jobs. So where's the trade off!? Oh right maybe when we're old.. living off years of saved up CPF. well how much could one possibly enjoy life when you're old with saggy tits and wrinkles galore? not to mention the probability of having false teeth and hearing aids. It's so incredibly ridiculous.

Why does the world have to be so competitive anyway? I mean the whole singapore job market is so fast paced and anal and competitive people dont have time to sit back and enjoy life. STOP and smell the freaking roses people! I see people in public who are just unbelievably rude, and who have no idea how to appreciate a bit of fun or a group of students having a laugh. Instead they're anal, overworked prudes who frown upon our generation and all they manage to say when encountering a group of fairly loud extroverted students is a brusk "what school are you from" in that i'm-so-going-to-report-you-to-your-principal tone. I swear people. Get a LIFE.

I have a sinking feeling my parents are going to be so disappointed with my A level results. I just cannot carry on with this. Honestly i'm not cut out for this country. At all.

Pamela Tan take me with you!

I'm dying

2008-06-02T23:12:00.002+08:00

I think im dying. Honest.
I've been having these weird n really bad chest pains.
Like someone's stabbing me..
Or my lungs are gonna burst out of my ribcage.
Ack.
What would i tell a doctor.
Sharifa suggested voodoo..
Like someone's out to get me.
Haha. crap it hurts like a bitch.

these days

2008-06-02T14:58:00.002+08:00

this is a note of caution to anyone who wishes to purchase the Feast Of Fury by MacDonalds in relation to the new movie Kungfu Panda. DO NOT BUY IT. It's like the worst most pathetic thing ever and is NOT worth a blooming 6.35.

Like salama said. Its called feast of fury cos we feasted in fury.

anyway on a brighter note, i've mapped out my topics for the whole 3 weeks. Doin about 3 topics a day.. This is all in theory by the way. execution is bound to be somewhat flawed. hahaha. My first day's execution was flawed by the arrival of my new phone. =D totally happy to be rid of that wreck. Stupid delivery guy was over an hour late but whatever he made it in the end. hahaha.
Ugh doubt ill do much work the rest of the day either. relatives leavin at 5pm n gotta go over in an hour to have tea n say buhbye. Ah well. least there's tuition tonight. RHIAN KITTY I FINISHED MY NITROGEN TEST!! hahahaAh well. Carboxylic acids await! tata.

Happiness. Attainable, yes?

2008-05-29T23:02:00.003+08:00

You can't control an independent heart
Can't tear the one you love apart
Forever conditioned to believe that we can't live
We can't live here and be happy with less
So many riches, so many souls
Everything we see we want to possess
_______

So we're all put on this earth for a reason, no? We all deserve to be happy. At least most of us believe so anyway. Why do we deserve to be happy though? And when do we lose our right to happiness? Or the bigger picture.. who decides?
What makes us happy at any rate? Material things? Loved ones? Nature? Cheap thrills and simple pleasures? We at least get to decide this for ourselves. What we choose however in turn affects how much satisfaction we eventually derive from life itself. To be honest sometimes it feels one can never have enough happiness. Is it selfish to feel this way? Are we depriving someone else of their happiness by catering to our own? Who knows really.
________

It feels like im on auto-pilot. I'm not really thinking for myself now. I feel like i'm floating along, waiting for some huge wave to smash into me, hopefully knocking some sense into me. It's far from a comfortable feeling. Things could be lots better i think. Whatever it is, i've got 3 weeks to catch up with everything.
______

Watched Narnia: Prince Caspian today. haha. stupid thing with tickets. Ended up costing us 3 bucks more than we intended but WHATEVER. ill look past that. the movie experience was enjoyable enough. Granted, we provided the entertainment ourselves. But that's besides the point.

How can i stand here with you and not be moved by you?

2008-05-27T20:22:00.004+08:00

Worlds apart. That's all everyone seems to be nowadays.
Save for the tiny few who make up your world.

There's seriously no need for sarcasm and biting words.
Why do people wish to be loved so much by people who find it the hardest to give love?
The solution is to let go. When it gets hard to hold on, letting go gets really easy to do. Almost too easy sadly. Trouble-free. Carefree. What more could anyone want?

of faith and forgiveness

2008-05-23T21:26:00.003+08:00

This is not what I intended
I always swore to you I'd never fall apart
You always thought that I was stronger
I may have failed but I have loved you from the start

tonight will be the night i fall for you
over again.
____

SYF results are out and honestly im at a loss as to what to say about it. Yes i wasnt optimistic to begin with but i didn't expect this either. I was surprised to say the least. Whatever it is. I shan't think about it. What's done is done and there's really no point harping on the matter.

Went out with Salama Jen & Eliz after to watch What happens in Vegas. Gotta say i love the show. It was so funny although really we were the main ones laughing. Especially Salama. The other people in the theatre didnt seem to have a sense of humour. Oh well. At least it was a good fairly cheap movie. Haha. After that we kinda wandered amk hub which is uber boring. Then we went home. Forced to have dinner with family at Thai Express in gardens. Mum even made us WALK down for dinner but i was soo damn tired. Unfortunately what she says is law right so we had to walk there. Me n my brother kinda walked at our own pace which was apparently too fast for her. Whatever. Didnt quite care. I can't stroll in this heat. I swear the weather recently has been crazy. It's like way more humid than i ever remember. And it's so bad and consistent im even beginning to wonder if it isnt my body reactions changing instead of the weather. Ah well. Global warming!!

_____

I'm so going for CIP tmr cos id rather be out of the house seeing the kids than stuck at home with my needy mother.

Why on earth is everyone so needy lately?

mannnnn

2008-05-22T22:32:00.003+08:00

Today after lit.. which kinda sucked.. some of us, jen mersa sam eliz inez joey perry simone gladys sharifa glenn feng and i went to visit ivan in hospital. we only found out bout his being hospitalised as we were about to start the lit paper so it was still a bit of a shock.
Called him after the paper. turns out his lungs burst. apparently its fairly common with tall lanky people.
i had no idea also we could walk from school to tantockseng. oh on the way there gladys got stung by a bee too.
Kinda sucked seeing him there cos he seemed to be in quite a lot of pain. n stupid joey n perry kept making him laugh. i mean he mostly made himself laugh too lah but it hurt. n hospital food kinda sucks. whats new right. at least miss chia had been to visit earlier n brought him fruits or sth.
ugh i hate seeing the tubes in ppl in hospital. its like a really huge fear of mine. ive always hoped ill never have to be hospitalised cos i never wanna get stuck with tubes. it looks (and is) hell painful.
_____

anyway gp paper tmr. HA! that's all i can say.
after that's NE quiz. double HA!
and then SYF results.
no comment there.

VIDEOS

2008-05-21T12:36:00.002+08:00

Okay i KNOW lit is tomorrow but i just couldnt help myself.
hhahahaa

CLASS ACT @ The Arena!!

An older video i had of a version of

Aerosmith's Crying by Storm Large.

Stardust =)

2008-05-18T19:27:00.005+08:00

Friday night was stardust. Lots of fun and congrats guys. haha. Arena was pretty cool. Very red like salama said.
Some retard won the solo category for singing i believe i can fly and not even very well. The girl that won 2nd place sang an acoustic version of britney's toxic which i thought was really good. See, haha looks like the ones who came in 2nd were the best after all! hahahaha.

Oh well know i should be studying today but im watching step up 2. hahaha. its kinda cool i think. always love dance movies. haha. the thing is lately everything's been about the streets.. like no more movies like center stage. but im not complaining. haha. street dancing is totally awesome shit.
_______

gp and lit papers this coming week. hopefully im prepared enough.hahahaha.
_____

Anyway. Last but most importantly..

HAPPY 18th VICTORIA-KEW!!!!
love you baby!!! hahaha

numbed

2008-05-15T23:20:00.002+08:00

SYF is over.
I guess we'll just pray and hope for the best.
I suppose most ppl feel they could've done better.
But what's happened has happened.
_______

Tomorrow's Stardust finals.
Got fingers n toes crossed for Class Act.

lots of love yeah

Optimism?

2008-05-14T20:05:00.003+08:00

I am not yours, not lost in you,
Not lost, although I long to be
Lost as a candle lit at noon,
Lost as a snowflake in the sea.

You love me, and I find you still
A spirit beautiful and bright,
Yet I am I, who long to be
Lost as a light is lost in light.

Oh plunge me deep in love - put out
My senses, leave me deaf and blind,
Swept by the tempest of your love,
A taper in a rushing wind.
______

Tomorrow is D-DAY!
Showtime baby. Let's do this right
110% as people commonly say.

(though it's totally mathematically impossible)
I'm still a little unnerved cos the coach didnt turn up today.
So my music isn't securely approved to my satisfaction.
Darn. Well whatever it is. What happens in AC happens.
If we get gold, then great. But if we don't, at least we tried.
I hope it doesnt rain tomorrow but i dont want it sunny either.
I can't wait. In 14 hours, it's showtime. And then..
It'll all be over and i can breathe easy.
_______

You are who you chose to be.
No one should tell you how to be.
________

nothing short of what you deserve i'll say.

Thank you mummy =)

2008-05-13T20:51:00.002+08:00

I got home today to find...
My mum had cleared and tidied my closet and my room.
I was shocked.. She did an amazing job and i was really touched cos she's almost never done anything like that since i was a little kid. Must be the royce chocolates i bought her yesterday. haha. I usually take 2 whole days just to do what she did in a few hours. talk about efficiency.
So for tonight, i really appreciate my mummy. =D

2 days to SYF. im feeling really mixed about it. 1, im really glad it'll all be over. 2, i'm just worried we arent ready - scratch that, i think I'M not ready.- But considering our performance is on the last day of the SYF judging which officially started yesterday for some other unlucky schools, we got 2 whole days more time. haha. a blessing or a curse im not sure sometimes.
_________

Running from problems isnt the solution at this stage.
No one knows how to deal with you if you won't deal with them.

incoming

2008-05-11T21:23:00.002+08:00

4 days to SYF.
bite me. seriously.

on a lighter note,
4 days till i never have CCA ever again!
imagine all that free time! haha
to study very hard of course.

I feel the pms syndrome coming on
dammit. talk about the worst timing.
plus dreams are still weird as ever.
not in a very comforting place i fear.

10 days to GP and Lit midyears.
ugh.
everything's coming.
Next week's SYF, stardust finals & vic's 18th.
haha. lots to do. and im gonnna do it all.=D
watch me. haha.

SPEEDBUMP!

2008-05-09T21:10:00.004+08:00

I swear to god my dreams are getting weirder and weirder.

I blame it on speedbumps and whatnot.

DAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.

I dont need another distraction.
Especially when it's your past coming back to haunt you.
You just feel like you've come one full circle and landed back at square one. I mean it in the worst sense possible.
_________

Speedbump Speedbump Speedbump Speedbump Speedbump Speedbump Speedbump Speedbump Speedbump Speedbump Speedbump Speedbump Speedbump Speedbump Speedbump Speedbump Speedbump Speedbump Speedbump Speedbump Speedbump Speedbump Speedbump Speedbump Speedbump Speedbump Speedbump Speedbump Speedbump Speedbump Speedbump Speedbump Speedbump Speedbump Speedbump Speedbump Speedbump Speedbump Speedbump Speedbump Speedbump Speedbump Speedbump Speedbump Speedbump Speedbump Speedbump Speedbump Speedbump Speedbump Speedbump Speedbump Speedbump Speedbump Speedbump Speedbump
________

Thanks to clare i've once again started listening to Come Down To Me by Saving Jane. I kinda miss the song. haha. almost forgot how much i liked it.
______

Pam called today! haha. although i suspect my dad's gonna kill me for having used my handphone on an overseas call for 40mins, i dont really care. haha
I promise to call more often babe! love you!

Can't wait for A's to be over and for pam to come. Oh we're so gonna party.
and she might be able to drive! how cool is that!? Mann. its great to have so much to look forward to. it's like motivation to push my hardest for As so i can enjoy my holidays without feeling shitty.

Zhenyi suggested having a T36 outing sometime this year. Hopefully it happens. It'd be good to catch up with the rest of the guys. Although. planning it would be seriously annoying. guys arent really the type to sit there and talk for long. haha.

Oh humphrey!

2008-05-08T23:14:00.003+08:00

Salama, someone's boy-crazy.
hahaha.

OH. saw some random guy on the bus who looked like he'd partly fit Humphrey's profile. awesome huh.

YAY no lessons tomorrow!
Sucks tho having to be in school so damn early.
Stupid guest of honour.
Waste of money on flowers.

going to sleep AEAP (as early as poss)
i think everyone should tonight.
bahhhh.

OHoh CLB test today.
BIG JOKE
BUTTT.
ill say i actually understood one whole passage for the first time in my entire life of studying chinese.
HAH
congratulations alyssa
hopefully i dont fail too badly.
Why do we need chinese to get into a UNI!
stupid policy
ugh

Nothing's ever as bad as it seems

2008-05-04T23:21:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, it's worse.

It's eating away at me. I fear the worst.

I feel like ive been abandoning my closest friends. I just feel so busy with everything! The one thing i feel the worst about is i havent been able to visit Jac. I feel really bad and im sad especially everytime someone comes up to me and asks, how's jac? and i just look at them and it hurts having to say i dont know i havent seen her.
I will make the effort to very soon.

And then i havent spoken to pam in ages. I didnt even realise she had this ball till maybe 2 weeks ago! I feel so cut off from everyone. Stupid school takes up all my time. She was gonna call today but we had company for lunch when she called and i couldnt talk during lunch then i went out and got back so late it was too late. And once again another day passes in which i dont speak to them.
I miss you so much pamela tan.

And vickew another week in which we dont find time to talk because i didnt go for 9am. But at least i got to see you. haha. next week hopefully. and we may even attend session which i hear is combined or sth.

Sigh. Im really sorry guys.
_______

Find someone else to leech onto dammit.
I'm running out of options.
_____

Father Brian sucks at telling jokes. He practically kills them with his monotone voice. Ugh. I'm not feeling like much of a catholic at the moment. I don't really know what i'm doing in mass. Today i found myself wondering if i would still be the same person with the same values if i wasnt catholic. Father Brian talked about the internet and the fact that there are all these BAD things on the internet. And that everything we do has to be for god, in his image.. etc.. and honestly, sometimes i don't see why we have to live out our whole lives in that manner. It feels a bit like we're enslaved to it. and i dont like the feeling. Not one bit.
______

Watched Ironman tonight with my parents. People do note there is a scene at the end of the credits which do take forever to roll past.

Crack lines and picket fences

2008-05-03T15:05:00.003+08:00

White picket fences.
I don't know but im sick of such commonly used cliches such as white picket fences. They've lost their appeal entirely.. Not the concept i mean.. simply the phrase. White picket fences are symbolic of a lifestyle from way back in which women were happy to clean up after men, raise the children, and tend to their gardens.. Living in the perfect little house in a safe and friendly neighborhood.. yadayada.. But now it's like a reference to so much more. The way the world works now is rather.. unsatisfactory.. Everyone's way too competitive, pop culture means no culture, high culture becomes pop culture, and globalization is the cause of it all. What has the world come to? Well i don't believe we can ask that question yet. Our generation is living in the age that feels like the turn of the century.. the period in which this drastic change is taking place.. and the only question we can ask is what will the world become?

It's a rather intimidating thought to say the least.
_______

Some people long for the idea of white picket fences - free of worries and problems, where everyone's happy and good triumphs over evil. But with white picket fences in the world, there's got to be balance and trials and tribulations in some way present the opposing force to this balance. yin and yang day and night heaven and earth.. the whole world exists through many small balancing acts.
_________

It sucks having to satisfactorily love the needy. Doesnt it.
It's no longer a question of who's to blame..It's simply a matter of keeping the peace and harmony because no one's willing to come forward and directly blame anyone. And so we simply let things lie and try to patch up the pieces with what scraps of materials remain. Unfortunately it means things can never be perfect. But neither do we want things to return to perfection. You can't erase a crack line no matter how hard you try. You can simply glue the object back together and pray no one notices the little cracks in it. And so it is in a manner of pleasantries that we choose to coexist. That's all there really is to it isnt it?

Sports Carnival (=

2008-05-02T20:55:00.002+08:00

So today was like the hottest most fun day of the week. (:
Sports carnival this year felt better than last year. Congratulations to T37 and Nigel for winning Netball! Haha we played really well and im so proud. And congrats to T37&38 for coming in 2nd for floorball. T25 were worthy opponents hahaha.
Anyway everyone's like pretty sunburnt now i think and it's really cute.
Bro. Paul told us he liked our class t-shirts!! Said they were nice unique and simple.

Well only Li Ling brought her camera so we dont have many pictures but ill post them as soon as i get themm.

I got home and slept from like 6 till 8.30.. Then i had to wake up to eat and vacuum. hahaha.
________

Claustrophobia.. I think i may be claustrophobic.. but circumstantially claustrophobic. Haha.

Chocolate heaven

2008-05-01T23:07:00.003+08:00

We need to remember what used to be good.
That's got to be the most memorable line from 13goingon30 and it really makes sense sometimes. Especially now.

I dont know why but im starting to remember why i never socialised much in the past.

Shakespeare On Love was good. The acting was pretty good and the scenes were funny at some points. It was simple yet effective. Lots of kissing in it. hahaha. Went to Bishan with Salama after and we bought cake from breadtalk.
It was like a million and one signs from above pointed at the cake. Haha. First, it was the most enticing looking cake.. and then that cake happened to be the cake of the day so it was 20% off.. and then.. it was the last cake.. then we sorta ran into Joey sitting in MOS. So we joined him to share the cake which had 3 strawberries on it which was just perfect because there were 3 of us.. Haha. Then he left around 9.. But ran into more CJ ppl in Coffee Bean and offered them cake. It was good cake. Haha. We left just as Feng arrived at coffeebean.

I just dont get how when you feel you've hit rock bottom, you find yourself sinking lower and lower. And you keep asking yourself how much lower can you go. But then after a while.. You get used to the level of your ground and then you adapt, get accustomed... and then life goes back to normal and you no longer feel yourself sinking lower. It's kinda dangerous really.

I want to break free!

2008-04-29T19:58:00.003+08:00

Some people are like slinkies. They arent very useful, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs. =)

Sigh. It sucks not having internet. To have to resort to going to my granny's house is rather sad. But well, we do what we can.

I guess lately things have been going rather slow. School work's gotten a little out of hand and the really fucked up weather hasn't helped one bit.

It's come to a point that the past means nothing and we've lost the capacity to care about anything. Live in the moment and come what may. It's too tiring being overcautious and "reflecting" on stuff. The exams are coming and i should be studying. SYF is coming. Ugh. Least my job aint that hard.

Thank god its a short week. Tomorrow's like the last day of school and then its labour day followed by sports carnival. fun. haha.

Went to see we will rock you! AWESOME shit i tell you. Love love loved it. haha.

It takes 2

2008-04-22T21:11:00.004+08:00

I feel like i have a lot i want to say and mainly, i can't decide whether to be sad, unperturbed, angry, or simply remorseful. In the course of the past few hours i'll say it's been a mixture of all and somewhat in stages. At first when i heard about it i guess i wasn't shocked. It was kinda something i expected. But still, I was in a way remorseful. Then i became angry as i started to reflect on it. After a while remaining indifferent and unperturbed seemed really appealing.

It's not as if anything was intentional. I mean you can't expect too much from people who are just happy living out their lives. Right now, im feeling rather indignant and i refuse to feel remorseful about it because i dont see why it's my fault. It takes 2 to tango doesnt it?
________

Edit:(a few minutes later i discovered a new feeling within myself) Disgust.

Winter spring summer or fall

2008-04-20T17:05:00.001+08:00

Great Expectations

2008-04-19T21:39:00.004+08:00

Alyssa is hereby reminded that her literature CYP is overdue and that she needs to start working on it.

Lately everytime i decide to blog on this damn thing i feel consumed by some ridiculous mental block. I don't know why and it's pissing me off. It's like everything i was feeling like saying suddenly eludes me and i end up talking about trivial things like how my day went. Well, it stops here.
______

It says a fair bit about my state of mind i suppose. Not that i'd know what's in my mind at the present moment.

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson.

It consistently feels like people have too great an expectation of me. And of everyone else in general. Then again we as average human beings have expectations of everyone else around us as well. Sadly it's a large part of human nature.
We expect our friends to understand when we are going through something, and hope they know how much we treasure friendships, we expect good friends won't take us for granted, we expect the sun to shine a majority of the year, we expect god to be kind forgiving and just, we expect and hope that this just god will never really leave us to fend for ourselves or let us down, we expect the world and civilisation to exist unlimitedly and that the world will not come to an end in our lifetime, we expect our parents to sympathise with us and be more liberal, we expect that they'd want us to be able to love them, we expect our teachers to know us well enough to realise we try not to do homework and love being sent out of class during lessons like gp, we expect the good to live on and the bad to die young, we expect siblings to be more cooperative and less of a pain in the ass, we expect singaporeans to be courteous and give way and be less repulsive in behaviour, we expect everyone to understand that each of us has rights as a human, we expect animals to be more obedient, and wish that all people who love animals aren't allergic to them, we expect the singapore police forces to apprehend mas selamat... Unfortunately expectations aren't always met.

I hate it when people expect something out of me mostly because i'm afraid of letting them down. I don't know much about the rest of the world but personally i find that being the person everyone else wants you to be can be a bit of both a punishment and a reward. Sometimes it's really just taking the easy way out and succumbing to the demands you feel are being flung at you. In such cases usually the other's expectations aren't as great. But other times when it's so extreme you feel it's like the-fate-of-the-world-is-in-your-hands kinda burden, it's really easier to crawl into a hole and hide. The whole head in the ground thing like an ostrich.

In recent years.. I've come to a conclusion that nothing really lies within me. I hate it everytime someone tells me i'm bright or i have potential but im just not applying myself. And to be totally honest it doesnt bother me that nothing lies within me. I'm perfectly happy being simple. The sad part is that in a country like singapore, being empty slow-paced and simple will get you absolutely nowhere.

I wonder how things in my life will turn out.

My mum said to me the other day: "alyssa i fear when you are a mother one day you'll forget to feed your children." haha i found it absolutely hilarious and i burst out laughing. She only said it because i forgot to feed the fish in the pond. I'm sorry but they're so quiet i sometimes forget they exist.

You're the key to my piece of mind

2008-04-18T23:22:00.002+08:00

Friday. So glad it's finally here. For the first night all week i dont feel like there's something i need to be doing.

Today's drama was spent half in the freezing cold Lt, half with sharifa in detention. Before drama started merisa and i were in class watching soccer from the window because ivan was supposed to point out pasty. At first from the pitch he motioned to us saying that the opposite team(pasty's team) were gonna take off their shirts which would make it easier to identify pasty but sadly ivan's teamllost scissors paper stone and ended up without their shirts so we couldnt make out pasty from the rest of the guys. Then after the game when i saw a group of guys in the canteen i was told pasty had left. Oh well. Looks like it'll have to be another time then. haha.
_______

Today felt like a pretty slack day. Maths lect, then a PE lesson spent in class lying around under the fan with salama, then break, then GP lesson spent sitting on the floor at the back being punished with the rest and talking and doing gp,then math tutorial which was slack. Then an hour n a half later was drama. Walked in and out the LT god knows how many times. After that went to amk hub with my fellow hubber. hahaha. bought student price yoghurt! haha. very pleased. But of course it was more satisfactory on wednesday when it was half price. Well there's always next wednesday at any rate.

Time's going by real fast now. Before i know it it'll be midyears, then i'll have failed everything and my life will be over. Real stuff to look forward to. hahaha.
______

Honey Will you forgive me! hahaha. I dont think so.

Looking out on the morning rain
I used to feel uninspired
And when I knew I had to face another day
Lord, it made me feel so tired
Before the day I met you, life was so unkind
But your love was the key to peace my mind

Cause you make me feel, you make me feel, you make me feel like
A natural woman

When my soul was in the lost-and-found
You came along to claim it
I didn't know just what was wrong with me
Till your kiss helped me name it
Now I'm no longer doubtful of what I'm living for
Cause if I make you happy I don't need no more

Cause you make me feel, you make me feel, you make me feel like
A natural woman

Oh, baby, what you've done to me
You make me feel so good inside
And I just want to be close to you
You make me fell so alive
Cause you make me feel, you make me feel, you make me feel like
A natural woman

have you said your prayers?

2008-04-17T22:25:00.003+08:00

Today we went to support the soccer team in their match against VJ.
Our banner read: Have you said your prayers? and something about God being on our side.
I must say it was quite exciting to watch and im quite proud of the team. They managed to hold VJ off and although they lost 1-0 it was still a good fight. And the goal was a fluke really..
The part of the game that was a little amusing(sorry guys) was when so many guys were like getting injured and not because of the opposite team.. but like their muscles were cramping and stuff like that.. The goalie and golden boy were both kinda carried off.. I have no idea what exactly happened but it was all pretty serious.
We cheered a lot and screamed and cursed the ref and vj boys a fair bit which was very satisfying. haha and criticised all the track ppl training in front of us.. Salama had lots to say. hahaha. But it was lots of fun making side comments we shouldnt have been making.

Still didnt get to cut my hair today because.. Well Clb ended at 3, then glenn came back from cutting his hair and buying us bubble tea. haha. The hairdresser styled glenn's hair and straightened his fringe and everything. Glenn ah.. looks verrrry "hawwt" ehh?? hahahaha. Oh lord kong. Anyway then we took the chartered bus to VJ (had to pay $1 which some people had lots to say about.hahaha) The soccer match ended at 6 something and then we took the bus from east coast back. Which was a really long ride. Ate dinner at some prata house with sam n jen then left for econs tuition which i have to say was extra draining tonight.
_______

All it takes is honestly humility and hope.

Always be my baby

2008-04-16T20:46:00.003+08:00

I just watched Idol. It's Mariah Carey week this week. David Cook sang Always Be My Baby but in a more haunting rock edgy way that was really cool. I have a feeling and hope he wins. What's not to love.

we were as one babe
for a moment in time
and it seemed everlasting
that you would always be mine
now you want to be free
so I'm letting you fly
cause i know in my heart babe
our love will never die,no!

you'll always be a part of me
i'm a part of you indefinitely
girl don't you know you can't escape me
ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
and we'll linger on
time can't erase a feeling this strong
no way you're never gonna shake me
ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
(repeat)
________

The rest of this week im making it a point to sleep before 11pm. OH i took a "power nap" in chem lect today.. for like 15mins or so. Felt good. hahaha. I couldnt help myself today.

I wanna cut my hair tomorrow but i dont know if ill have time because there's the boys A div soccer match and the bus leaves school at 4. CLb ends at 3 and there isnt enough time to get to fareast and cut my hair and make it back in time to catch the bus. Ah well.. Maybe i wont even get to cut my hair tomorrow. Been waiting a long time though. But we already said we'd go support the soccer team. And we've been thinking about attending at least one game in our entire JC experience. So this is it. haha.
______

One of the Idol contestants sang Mariah Carey's Vanishing which is a song ive never heard before but i absolutely love.

Mariah Carey - Vanishing

Mariah-Whitney - When You Believe(Prince of Egypt).

For Sharifa:
Divas Live - A Natural Woman

Peasants and kids

2008-04-14T23:04:00.003+08:00

"A wardrobe is only as loud as the clothes in it." - G.Kong.

Glenn Kong's words of wisdom came about because while sitting in mini narnia, there was a loud-ass bunch of people that lead to us shouting at each other in order to be heard above the din. Haha and i told him it would be my quote of the day.

Tomorrow is Chem SPA. I hate that it's called SPA because its so deceptive. SPA actually sounds like something inviting. It's a major headache in my opinion because its so easy not to put a lot of effort into it because its like small sporadic tests that dont seem all that important but at the end of the day the total score for SPA exams makes up 20% of your A level grade. This plus the fact that i've probably screwed up 2 of the 4 or so SPAs we've had so far is enough to annoy the crap out of me.

At the moment in school the peasants (J1s) are busy campaigning for Student Council. There's this one guy.. Josh ChAn(yes the 'A' in Chan is purposely capital for SOME reason.. god only knows why.).. Anyway his bloody name is EVERYWHERE and i mean EVERYWHERE. The moment i walked into school there was a massive bright yellow banner hanging in the foyer.. and there was another one at the assembly area. And then let me mention the numerous orange flyers posted ALL OVER THE FREAKING SCHOOL!!! Like wth man. And NOWHERE is there an actual picture of the dude. Sharifa says its prolly cos he's butt ugly or something. But whatever. JUST because his damn name is everywhere, he definitely isnt getting my vote. I mean some of the posters are like he's so full of himself. I hope for his sake he had nothing to do with all the campaigning and that its all the work of his friends. At least then he'd have some modesty. Anyway there was this hilarious flyer i saw which was comic superheroes.. 3 of them.. They'd pasted their heads on bodies of batman, superman and spiderman respectively.. And their slogan was.. "Have no fear we'll watch your rear". i mean wtf. hahaha. it was pretty funny though.

There was a notice board outside the library with rather interesting bits of information about how good laughter is for your health as well as sleep. Do you know you burn 50 calories laughing for 15mins or something?? haha. pretty interesting. And taking "power naps" is supposed to be really good for you. But you cant nap too long because you go into actual sleep time and then you dont get enough proper sleep cos its too short and you wake up with something called.. i think it was 'sleep inertia' which is when you feel all groggy and lethargic and like you're more tired than before you took the nap.. Which i realise is how most people feel after waking up. Anyway we were talking about what'll happen if we started taking power naps during lectures. Haha rather amused was sharifa.

Oh we left school after the monster of the library chased us out. Headed to toapayoh to buy hair stuff. =) now all that's left is to actually cut my hair on thursday. Cant wait. The shop in tp is called.. Ta Zhiang. I mean WOW right? Such a hip place. They even sell those tiny colourful umbrellas that in an actual rain storm will cover nothing but the tips of your fingers. I mean what would you do without one of those. Sharifa wanted to buy this small plastic corn keychain. HAHA.okay lah it was cute.. But i preferred the lemon.

Anyhoo im dead tired. They say only 15% of singaporean students get the necessary 8.5hours of sleep on a school night so maybe i need to sleep more. Haha.

In bridges he burned or the way that she died

2008-04-13T08:44:00.004+08:00

________

Lately ive been feeling rather...
Fortunate.
And the world is tragic. Somehow.
_______

525,600 minutes
525,000 moments so dear
525,600 minutes -
how do you measure,measure a year?

In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee.
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife. In
525,600 minutes -
how do you measure a year in the life?

How about love?
How about love?
How about love?
Measure in love.
Seasons of love.

525,600 minutes!
525,000 journeys to plan.
525,600 minutes
how can you measure the life of a woman or man?

In truths that she learned,
or in times that he cried.
In bridges he burned,
or the way that she died.

It’s time now to sing out,
tho the story never ends
let's celebrate remember a year
in the life of friends.

Remember the love! (oh you got to you got to remember the love)
Remember the love! (You know love is a gift from up above)
Remember the love! (Share love give love spread love)
Measure in love.
Seasons of love,
Seasons of love
________

I'm feeling pretty pleased with myself right about now to be honest. I have finished my first romance novel of the year. Granted, it was short.. but it was a pretty good one i think. It's called Tangled Up In You by Rachel Gibson. Lots of bits made me smile. Anyway it's sunday morning and i dont feel like going to church. Why? I dont know anymore. I just find no purpose in it.

That aside, our PW results were released on friday! I'm really proud of the whole class. No one got anything less than a B which according to brother paul were "scholarship grades" haha. And congratulations to CJ178 for our As. =) Im proud of us Clare. Blind but not Beaten i'll say.

Joey promised to treat Clare and myself as a thankyou. haha. and Clare, i want to visit your house again and buy peppermint milk tea and watch kancheong people rush into the library at 11am. hahahah. Those were the days. The year is passing us by pretty quickly this time. Im not too sure ill pull my head out of the sand quick enough.

Crappy

2008-04-08T18:39:00.002+08:00

You know how it is usually when you get sick? You feel incredibly shitty for the first 2 days and then before you know it the illness is gone and you feel fine?? Yeah so not what's happening to me this time. It's been feeling this crappy and heaty since friday evening. That's 4 whole days mind you.. and i still dont feel the slightest bit different. I really wonder if i should go to school tomorrow. If it's anything like monday.. then it's not such a good idea. I think the medication isn't working anymore. I mean the antibiotics the doc gave me are supposed to be the same heavy duty ones clare got but im not feeling anything. Plus today when i took panadols after lunch, they didn't seem to work. Ive never had a fever for so many days running before. And i was quite annoyed when i went to the doctor cos he seemed like he wasnt even really looking at me and didnt ask me enough questions.. Didn't even take my temperature which he normally always does when i normally dont have a fever and i clearly told him this time id been having a constant fever. I've sneezed so many times lately its no longer funny. Oh and another thing, i've drunk almost 10 glasses of water today!! That's like 9 whole glasses more than i usually manage to drink in a day.

I dont know whether the shitty feeling is partly because ive been sitting in the same chair all day or because i havent exposed myself to fresh air. But it's the feeling that your head's all fuzzy and like you cant do anything about it and you just wanna lie down but know it's only gonna make things worse. To top it off i had a really bad sleep last night because i just HAD to have one of those dreams in which things keep changing and you feel constantly half awake and are never at a comfortable point in the dream. Those dreams are the worst. they're worse even than nightmares! Cos like if you wake up feeling like shit in the middle of the night and try to go back to sleep telling yourself to dream of something else, the same dream just starts over. Let's just say it leaves you feeling incredibly lousy. Anyway im sick of the screen so im just gonna watch tv or something more productive. Not a chance in hell im studying tonight. It's too hard to concentrate on anything.

The Storm's Finally Over

2008-04-07T21:29:00.003+08:00

Sometimes its not till a storm comes that things get unearthed. Sometimes we get to see what's underneath; The dark secrets and the truths, that in the light of day we keep hidden. For some, the truth will make them feel closer. For others, it will make them more alone. Pain will get uprooted.. Some pain, still too deep to be seen by human eyes. But in time as we re-plant ourselves we will be thankful because like the roots of a tree, it's what's underneath that allows us to grow... Together or apart.

______

Yesterday he said my eyes
Were fading fast away
I said well what do you expect
You asked me not to stay
and if it had all been for the best
I wouldn't feel this way
And he said

Oh he said it's crazy
How love stays with me
You know it hurts me
Cause I don't wanna fight this war
It's amazing to see me reading through this scene
Of love and fear and apologies

My love is like a blanket
That gets a little bit too warm sometimes
I wanna wrap somebody in it
Who can hold me in his arms
Cause when it got a little too hot in there
He was always stepping out for air and he froze
Oh he froze

He said it's crazy
How love stays with me
You know it hurts me
Cause I don't wanna fight this war
It's amazing to see me reading through this scene
Of love and fear and apologies

Yesterday he looked at me
With a tear in his eye and said
I'll always tell you you're my friend
I hope i don't have to lie
Cause it's clear you love another man
I said you're damn right

And he said
He said it's crazy
How love stays with me
You know it hurts me
Cause I don't wanna fight this war
It's amazing to see me reading through this scene
Of love and fear and apologies
He said it's crazy
How love stays with me
You know it hurts me
That i didn't figure it out before
And now it's too late for a soliloquy
It's way too late for dignity
It's time for apologies
________

):

2008-04-07T17:26:00.003+08:00

I feel lousy. My nose feels like a leaky faucet. Eugh. Was a complete waste of time going to school today. haha. Oh well at least i get to skip school tomorrow. MCs are awesome.

We shifted our desks today. It's strange the new arrangement. hahaha.

Okok Men in trees time!! =)

Edit: Alright i soo get why they didnt show the second last episode of men in trees on channel 5. It's about the gay son. And they set him up with the other gay guy in town and the way those 2 communicate is really... quite showy. hahaha. for want of a better word. Anyway definitely not sth the government will allow to air on television.

Cause & Effect

2008-04-06T19:09:00.002+08:00

Great.. I'm sick. I hate the feeling. It's like your head is perpetually spinning and fuzzy, and your eyes are emitting heat. Fevers officially suck. Not like i havent been doing alot of sleeping this weekend.. But since i woke up from my 3 hour snooze yesterday evening i've been having these on-off fevers which panadol only treats for like 5 hours. 5 hours later they come back. Only thing is i seriously dont wanna see the doctor. He'll just prescribe some lozenges and panadol and maybe antibiotics. I'm sick of having to follow antibiotics strictly. I mean you can't not finish the lot. Plus your body develops some sort of immunity. Oh and not to mention the probably hour long wait to see the doctor followed by a pathetic 2 mins of actually seeing the doctor. Bloody waste of time. so Anyway.. i refused to go. My dad thinks it was just the run plus the intense heat that morning. I'll be the first to agree..
________

Finally caught an episode of men in trees today. I seriously need to hunt down the episodes ive missed.
Okay believe it or not i literally just hunted them down and they're loading! =)

Oh oh i fully intend to complete the complex III tutorial before tomorrow. Hah!
____

a girl can dream can't she?

Miracle of miracles.

2008-04-04T19:05:00.007+08:00

I made it =) Now i never ever ever ever have to run 2.4 or do shuttle run and standing broad jump ever again. I even beat last year's timing which in itself was by far a miracle. I honestly think i might not have made it if jeremy hadn't paced me for the last 2 rounds so thank you jeremy. Anyway. Now that that hurdle's been crossed.. the only things left on my mind are drama and studies. I havent really had much to do for drama lately. The last 4 sessions have kinda been a waste of time for me but at least i studied and did homework the last 2 sessions. Not to worry the time for me to stress out should arrive soon. Maggles released me at 5 today so yay for the first time this week, I'm home early!! And it's a friday which carries even bigger plus points. I finally feel like for the first time in a week i can relax.

I'm tired. So so so tired. And it's not just cos most of the bones and muscles in my body are aching and worn out. but mentally, i'd just like to sleep. For like 14hours straight preferably.
_______

Miss Chia has come up with a new seating arrangement which i guess is quite alright. Surprisingly though, Sharifa and i are only separated by Clare. Maybe ms chia kept shifting us around and finally didnt realise we ended up being put so close together. Cos the one thing she said about the class's seating plan is Sharifa and i cant sit together. I dunno maybe monday morning she'll look at me clare & sharifa and realise she made a mistake. hahaha. Well at least ms chia has us in the front row just like she threatened.
_____

Here are 2 really awesome performances from AI. Must see.

______

Okay. Seeing as my parents are going out now i shall take the opportunity to sleep. :)
If only you would take a good look at yourself and see what me and everyone else sees.

Light up the skies

2008-04-03T22:21:00.002+08:00

Today's storm was.. WOW. Scary shit pretty much. Anyway i think im going to burn out without even studying hard.

April Fools

2008-04-02T22:40:00.002+08:00

Okay so im sitting at my table with the modem plugged in directly to my com. It's the only way it's working. bloody hell. So much for the technological age. Half the crap is a bitch to use. Couldn't get internet last night cos my dad decided to unplug all the electricals in the tv room.. Anyway. Let's see... Yesterday..

I think it was a miracle. First off, the weather was wonderful. But cos it was raining the guys didnt have to do Napfa.. at least they dont till friday.. So the girls did 5 items indoors. mostly. I officially hate jumping. But thank god i passed. Yay me. =) Only 2.4km to go )=

As far as academics go.. School's been pretty much painless. I havent really felt like any lesson this week has made me use my brains. Perhaps this is what early onset dementia feels like. It's really.. for want of a better word.. painless. But it's not like in a good way.. It's more like in the way you keep telling yourself something isn't right with the way things have been going. Like we seriously need a stronger sense of focus.
Yesterday morning's SD lesson turned out to be a long talk from BP. Apart from the monotonous droning and the many who fell asleep.. I felt SOMEWHAT, a spark of motivation. HAHA. But the rest of me simply retorted: "But they're superhuman-overachievers!! And us mere mortals aren't capable of such an incredible feat!" This was in reply to the many examples he'd brought up of CCA leaders who'd done awesomely well for A levels.. a.k.a STRAIGHT As. Ugh. Well as the pressure mounts.. And hopefully it DOES mount.. We'll just have to see which way the wind blows.

CLB lessons are starting soon.. Very soon. We were asked to highlight our free periods on our timetable on monday and submit it to the teacher. Hahah. I didnt actually do it properly because the school's already taken so many of our double breaks i'm so NOT willing to give up the 2 other extra breaks we have in the even week. For crying out loud.. 8hours(EIGHT!!!) of lessons with only ONE break is freaking ridiculous. Plus the last period on the long day is always PE. So on that singular merciful day they've given us another break before PE, i refuse to surrender it to CLB.

Anyway.. PW results are coming out soon.. Yeap. Ms Chia told my parents at ptm the results would be out in april. So much for that weird rumour it could be released in August. I've a sinking feeling i didnt do well and that i'm gonna live to regret it the rest of my life. The groups selected to present during the PW presentation for J1s are most likely the A & B graded groups. So seeing as Braille wasnt picked.. And the general scores for PW in CJ arent all that great... Looks like the best i can hope for is a C. How effing superb is that. C is only worth 5 points in the UAE system because it's H1. ARGH. So much for looking forward to PW. I wish i could take back last year sometimes.. And that i could have put in a little more effort than i did. But shucks.. PW's a bitch and always will be. The questions the J1s have been given this year are quite interesting. Pretty different from what we got last year.. I'll admit my batch was quite lucky in the sense our topic question was rather straightforward.

Yesterday was April Fools. SADLY.. oh so SADLY.. NOTHING happened. We learnt all about the origin of the day of joyous exuberance during assembly. Apparently, 1st April used to be the beginning of the year.. i.e. New year's day.. So people celebrated.. Until one year some pope dude i think introduced a new calendar which marked Jan 1st as New Years.. So on 1st April apparently some ppl werent informed and celebrated.. And so.. apart from it being a day of laughter and lightheartedness.. It's the day many were tricked and whatever-you-call-it into celebrating. I honestly don't think i've ever had a really interesting April Fools. When we were kids it was always really lame pranks and childish jokes. Now that we've somewhat grown up, people don't really do that sorta stuff anymore.. At least with girls.. I pity people who celebrate their birthdays on this day. It must suck some years.. Especially if they're guys..

On another note. I'm annoyed right now. I spent like 2 hours during drama studying for the fucking Macro Policy test which is SUPPOSED to me tomorrow.. which i've just found out has been postponed. Talk about a waste of time. Ah well. I'm just seriously tired.

Balance

2008-03-31T23:46:00.001+08:00

To be sure too much of a good thing is never good. But too much of a bad thing is still bad? What happened to the cosmic balance? Napfa is tomorrow. God help me. I hope its the run.. Get it over with.. (if i pass that is..)

Sometimes i think i amuse myself.. But such situations are becoming increasingly rare.. Ah well.
Spilt watermelon juice on my skirt today. Bloody stain's a bitch i swear. Won't come out with water. stayed back in school with salama while the late ppl waited till 7 to get back their ezlink cards. Slept/studied in between 2pm & 7pm. Not all that productive.. But then again i havent exactly made it a point to study. Didnt even plan on staying back in the first place. hahaha.
I think i've a perpetual stomach ache. Feeling all queasy and whatnot. OH SHIT! ARGH! FUCK!. Forgot to drink water today. GREEAAT.. I'm so gonna dehydrate tmr.

The damn clock in the house has recently decided to start chiming. How wonder-fuckin-ful.. It's bloody annoying.

Live and let be

2008-03-30T17:07:00.008+08:00

My horoscope for the day:

Usually an adventurous sort, you're just as happy to play it safe today. You're drawn to the place where your expectations will be met.

...how very extremely true. except the me being adventurous bit. HA!
________

So the weekend has passed somewhat satisfactorily. In a sense it was a decent break from reality. I mean yeah to be sure i got seriously fucked for my results during PTM, but the rents haven't come down on me at all since we left school which is a relief. PTM was... inevitable to say the least. I guess it went as well as it could have. Got to school.. entered the hall.. parents sat in the waiting chair.. Ms chia moved to pass them my results slip first so i conveniently left to find the toilet.. Gathered my courage 3 minutes later and headed back into hall.. stopped to talk to Glascow who offered me a few words of motivation and encouragement.. and who then proceeded to talk to my parents which im afraid might have done more harm than good. He went on about how i was rather shy in class. I suppose yes i dont speak up when it requires giving an answer but i dont think im all that shy? And he told my parents about how from a parent's point of view.. The child needs to come forward and willingly give up all distractions such as computers, msn, handphones, etc.. which made me panic a little cos my dad would gladly remove such items from my possession. Anyway. my dad was really cranky cos they'd just flown in from Rome and my dad hadn't slept in 24 hours.. So before we saw Ms chia he said to my mum.. i'm not gonna say anything later. I'm just going to sit there and let you do the talking. But lo and behold the moment we sat down and my teacher smiled, my dad let go and started talking non-stop.. being incredibly sarcastic and mean about my results.. saying even he could sit for my paper and produce the same results merely by writing his name and submitting the paper. I'll admit i was upset but i just sat there between them and smiled at ms chia. I think the point my parents got less aggressive was when ms chia showed them the average results across the class and the level.. Then my parents realised that almost everyone else failed pretty badly and they stopped the attacks. After we left i had to endure lunch with them and then some audio brand showroom.. Ah normal stuff.
_______

Went for 9am mass with Vickew today. Then we went to Serene centre with Sean to make sure he got off at the right bus stop and didnt fall asleep on his way to work. =) Then we sat there while i ate.. and took a cab back to church at 12. Just in time for us to have lunch with our families. [VIC i still owe you $10!] Been watching CSI most of the afteroon from the time i got to my granny's place. There's just something about CSI. You can't tear yourself away from it! And i realise i watch the CSI supreme sunday triple thingy almost every week. haha.

God the next phase of my school life starts tomorrow: the phase in which Alyssa starts studying on her own terms.(HA) The only completely sucky thing is.. NAFA is next week.. and im preeety sure im gonna fail it. UGH. Why me why me why me i keep asking myself. But i never seem to get an answer for some reason.

I just got last months phone bill and THANK GOD i didnt bust my message limit. I believe i sent 942 messages which is like a RECORD high for me in like EVER. I usually dont even hit 500. My brother was like wth mann.. haha. maybe if im lucky my dad wont notice that and the global messages ive been sending to pam =)). if not.. ah well it's just a dollar sth.

I cant bloody well wait to be 18. Although it'll hit me after the A levels, i cant wait. By all means take away the A levels but give me my damn birthday! It seriously sucks being a november baby sometimes. Especially this year and having our birthdays during A level period. Gahh.

OH! Class Act got through the Semi-finals for stardust so congrats to them =)
Yayness. HOWEVER Finals are like 16th May which is SERIOUSLY close to midyears. so i'll just wish them luck. hahaha. and Salama do you still wanna do my mum's thing after what Ms Chia said at ptm???
______

Sometimes the people you think have it all really have nothing.

It made sense to me. And now, the phrase 'sorry no cure', as childish as it is, comes to mind. I wont let it be so.

Plain existence

2008-03-28T19:15:00.004+08:00

Listlessness and plain existence.
________

It's been overwhelming me lately.. I don't know why. Maybe the whole deal is just ridiculous. I've been feeling really annoyed lately yeahh i admit. But like i dont know maybe it's subjective. Maybe what i need is distance. The thought that more people than id care to think about are aware of it.. And im sorry but im a lil disgusted..
_______

Im so drained. It's like every little thing takes its toll on me and i've lost the momentum and the ability to keep my head up. Wonder how much further down the hole i'll be driven in the course of the year.
_____

If only my parents werent coming back tomorrow morning. If only my parents wouldnt have to see my teacher and find out my god-awful results. CIP in the morning to "look foward to". heh. beats PTM any day.
_______

Drama today was interesting. Clarence and i went to toa payoh to buy white wood paint.. and then the rest of the time was spent discussing schoolwork and watching cui yi get frustrated over joel teaching her complex numbers. Pretty interesting i gotta say.. (The discussions i mean... NOT the schoolwork). Complex numbers.. I've gotta agree with Cui yi it's completely illogical and pointless. WHAT on earth are we gonna use complex numbers for anyway??? And the application in itself is merely plonking in formulas which dont make any sense to us.

OH OH. on the bus on the way back to school i FINALLY caught victoria-kew chan on tv! they were airing the old old old episode of heartlanders which was filmed in my old condo.. which she acted in coincidentally. I saw her riding on a scooter. =D Well victoria-kew, its not everyday i get to see that cute little girl with the shoulderlength poufy straight hair! hahahaha. It brought back lots of memories. anyway i miss you =(

Imagination

2008-03-26T22:46:00.003+08:00

Albert Einstein once said: "Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world.

And THAT my friends was the quote i was looking for the other day in GP which no one seemed to know. Talk about frustrating. Anyway maybe sometimes we need to look to the mentally unstable for the answers to life. The carefree and the lazy've got it down. As well as the procrastinators of the world. Why do today what we can put off till tomorrow right?? I realise that's how i life. My life is just full of procrastination. Seriously.. I can't remember the last time i was proactive about something.
_____

Okay i actually had a lot to say.. (maybe not really lah) but some time in the last 5 minutes i drifted off to sleep and ive realised i cant stay awake any longer.

nothing can contain

2008-03-25T19:36:00.004+08:00

So my parents are off to the beautiful city of Rome for the week and so i'm stuck sleeping at my granny's place for the week. Sadly i've got to be home at like 6pm everyday or sth. It's the whole dont-worry-your-grandmother routine. Oh well. Least i get to watch as much tv as i like. Hee.

Oh shit i better remember ive gotta get some music n sound stuff together for drama tmr. It's seriously hard to find. Okay not that hard.. more like tedious.
________

I got 11.25 points for my University Admissions Entrance score. It's like upon 70 without PW n chinese. Which is serious shit. Especially since i got 3 Us and Us don't have any points. I know loads of other people got similar grades but it still sucks. haha
______

So its already the second week of term 2. Nafa next week. Im seriously not gonna make it. Ah well.. I've been starting to get that urge lately. The one where i feel shitty cos im not doin anything productive. Like i NEED to study study study.
______

It feels like nothing can contain me except my own sanity.
How can someone not be sane while being INsane aye??
I think im weird.

GAHH

2008-03-23T17:45:00.004+08:00

This econs project officially blows.
I've got a severe headache from thinking how im gonna write my so called essay. It's really ridiculous now. I can't write econs essays for nuts. And monetary policy may be important but if i suck at elaborating there's really nothing much to write. Ughhh. someone shoot me. I dont think the rest have done it yet. hahaha. we're such slackers mannn.

I'm sick of people thinking im younger. )= haha. ah well. what to do right?

who i wish you were

2008-03-22T23:12:00.005+08:00

______

I've just heard the acoustic version of Kate Voegele's song Wish You Were. I love it.
______

______

Gone away are the golden days
Just a page in my diary
So here I am a utopian citizen
I'm still convinced
There's no such thing as idealism

Memories they're following me like a shadow now
And I'm dreamin'
Cause I've already suffered the fever of disbelief

I've seen your act
And I know all the facts
I'm still in love with who I wish you were
It ain't hard to see
Who you are underneath
I'm still in love with who I wish you were
And I wish you were here

I was true as the sky is blue
I couldn't soon say the same for you
So now I find denial in my eyes
I'm mesmerized by the picture that's in my mind

Tell me when I'll finally see your shallow heart
For what it is
'Cause I don't want to keep on believin' in illusions

No no no

Cause I've seen your act
And I know all the facts
I'm still in love with who I wish you were
It ain't hard to see
Who you are underneath
I'm still in love with who I wish you were
I wish you were here

Sometimes I can't explain
And I'm so sorry that I can't
I'll try to concentrate
On your true identity

Cause I've seen your act
And I know all the facts
I'm still in love with who I wish you were
It ain't hard to see
Who you are underneath
I'm still in love with who I wish you were
I've seen your act
And I know all the facts
I'm still in love with who I wish you were

It ain't hard to see
Who you are underneath
I'm still in love with who I wish you were
_______

Just got back from dinner at this reeally nice italian place on Craig Road. It's called PastaBrava and it's genuinely italian. The food is pretty darn excellent. I was impressed. Anyway. The weekend is almost over. Didnt do much i guess. Today i had cip in the morning.. then lunch in tp subway.. sharifa n rhian joined us and then the two of them n glenn came over to do the econs project. It's seriously STTM doing the project so we just assigned the work and said we'd do it at home. so anyway spent the few hours after that gaming.. one person on psp, one on xbox playing Burnout, and the other on my laptop playing neopets(sharifa!!) haha. It was pretty fun. Especially with the Orgasmatron. If the name doesnt give you a clue as to the effects it has on a person.. Then i guess i can't help you there. You're beyond help. haha. I love seeing sharifa's face when i use it on her. Glenn's on the other hand was VERY disturbing.

People are studying. It's very unnerving. Like.. us of all people NEED to be the ones studying but we arent! I could think of a few more productive things than ive been doing lately.. Like exercising - nafa is coming.. and like watching episodes of FRIENDS.. and studying definitely.. haha. ah well. who am i kidding.

i hope you know i never mean to forget. n im sorry for all the times ive disappointed you

nothing i wouldnt give

2008-03-21T10:46:00.006+08:00

________

From this moment life has begun
From this moment you are the one
Right beside you is where I belong
From this moment on

From this moment I have been blessed
I live only for your happiness
And for your love I'd give my last breath
From this moment on

I give my hand to you with all my heart
Can't wait to live my life with you, can't wait to start
You and I will never be apart
My dreams came true because of you

From this moment as long as I live
I will love you, I promise you this
There is nothing I wouldn't give
From this moment on

You're the reason I believe in love
And you're the answer to my prayers from up above
All we need is just the two of us
My dreams came true because of you

From this moment as long as I live
I will love you, I promise you this
There is nothing I wouldn't give
From this moment
I will love you as long as I live
From this moment on
_______

In the end my mum let me go to DXO last night to watch Class Act. Trella performed as well.. and 2 other bands - Flybar n Postbox. The music was pretty good. But DXO is pretty crap. The number of bengs n lians about the place is suffocating. Not to mention the fact that they were a waste of space during the gig and have no interest whatsoever in the music being played. All they were probably interested in was the after party.. clubbing to weird techno music like sardines gyrating in a can. God help them.

My parents picked me up at 12.30am which was pretty fair of them seeing as it's good friday today. The first thing they asked me was whether i'd drunk alcohol. hahaha. and NO i didnt have to lie. All we drank was sprite or coke.
________

It's the weekend of holy week.. but i dont feel the least bit holy. My mind feels too preoccupied with everything else. Like the stupid Monetary Policy econs project due monday, class CIP tomorrow, PTM... I dont know why it feels like the end of year exams are about to hit me and im unprepared.

I've got sharifa's Season2 of FRIENDS sitting here staring at me now.. So i'm gonna go watch it while i can. =)

dont tempt me

2008-03-19T22:24:00.013+08:00

There was a time
When I was so broken hearted
Love wasn't much of a friend of mine
The tables have turned, yeah
'Cause me and them ways have parted
That kind of love was the killin' kind

Now listen
All I want is someone I can't resist
I know all I need to know by the way that I got kissed

I was cryin' when I met you
Now I'm tryin' to forget you
Love is sweet misery
I was cryin' just to get you
Now I'm dyin' cause I let you
Do what you do - down on me

Now there's not even breathin' room
Between pleasure and pain
Yeah you cry when we're makin' love
Must be one and the same

It's down on me
Yeah I got to tell you one thing
It's been on my mind
Girl I gotta say
We're partners in crime
You got that certain something
What you give to me
Takes my breath away
Now the word out on the street
Is the devil's in your kiss
If our love goes up in flames
It's a fire I can't resist

I was cryin' when I met you
Now I'm tryin' to forget you
Your love is sweet misery
I was cryin' just to get you
Now I'm dyin' cause I let you
Do what you do to me

'Cause what you got inside
Ain't where your love should stay
Yeah, our love, sweet love, ain't love
If you give your heart away

I was cryin' when I met you
Now I'm tryin' to forget you
Your love is sweet misery
I was cryin' just to get you
Now I'm dyin' just to let you
Do what you do what you do down to me,
_________

Well, Class Act is performing tomorrow night at DXO. I honestly hope my mum lets me go. I swear i'm getting angrier and angrier with my anal overprotective parents as the days go by. It's reached a point that's a little ridiculous. I'm 18 this year and my parents dont even let me stay over at a friend's place (not including pam's). Sometimes i really feel like telling them how hard they make it for me to like and even love them.

I hated the fact they refused to give me any freedom when i was younger, then when i screwed up recently, my mum had the audacity to tell me.. it wouldn't be so bad if you had made this mistake when you were younger. WTF. Seriously? Not that they even gave me the opportunity in the first place. They're the only ones in my entire extended family who are so strict. Even their friends find it a bit extreme. Dont know if they know that.
________

Ugh i'm so agitated and i can't figure out why. i have this huge urge to scream.

FUCK!!!

______

I've officially screwed up CTs. Well the entire class failed econs so it aint that bad. Almost passed maths.. failed chem n will probably fail lit. This is what i declare royally fucked. Especially if i fail lit. I havent failed it yet. I CANT WAIT for ptm. I think i need to run away now. haha.

NAFA is in 2 weeks. I'm so dead i swear. If only there were some magical spell or something...
______

GGAAAHHHHH. If only we could mail-order parents.

Stuck

2008-03-17T23:48:00.001+08:00

Well rhian kitty tan, just so you know it's extremely hard to see the organisation of your maths tutorial. it's stressful even "referring"!!! So im taking a short break. hahaha. Oh shit. i just thought about PE tomorrow. someone kill me now. okay. break's over. back to stupid vectors. i swear i could murder someone. WITH A VENGENCE!

Chase that light

2008-03-16T15:02:00.003+08:00

While i was in Bali.. basically i had lots of time to myself and so naturally.. my mind wandered and wondered. The first night in particular, while we were driving back to the villa in the evening, the van was headed in the same direction as the setting sun. The sunset was really beautiful to say the least. The sky ahead was purple orange pink and red all at once. I looked around and behind me and realised everything else was dark. The only remenants of daylight lay ahead and it seemed like we were chasing the sunset.

"Sometimes it seems like all we're doing is chasing the light."

That was the thought that flashed through my head. It set me off thinking.. Why is it we chase the light? It's like we're chasing it like it's some runaway train. Not just in the sense of knowledge or happiness.. People hate being left in the dark.. Not being told the whole truth about things.
Some might argue that it merely "seems" as though we're all chasing this 'light'. And that really, there are those who prefer the darkness. The whole 'some things are better left unsaid', 'a white lie isn't a real lie' routine. If you ask me, it's a bunch of bullshit. We all want to know the truth. It's easy to tell a white lie when it isn't about you, or when it's not someone else lying to you. People withhold information as a 'ruse' to protect someone. Well almost always, when people withhold information to protect a person, that person gets hurt inevitably, either by the lie or what it concerned.

At the end of the day, ALL we really are doing is chasing the light.
________

I've come to a conclusion that my mind is severely disorganised. My thought process is extremely incoherent, and only makes sense to me at that one particular point in time. It explains why i can never write a good enough essay. There's no organisation in my train of thoughts whatsoever. Plus the fact that i can't plan an essay properly. Oh well.
_____

School starts tomorrow. Just perfect. I dont know what im supposed to be doing this week but i'm gonna take it as it comes. I've gotta start doing work for drama stuff. Just went online searching for sound effects. I swear some people have really annoying sounding babies and birds. HAHA.

I'm Baaaack (:

2008-03-15T23:59:00.000+08:00

I'd love to blog bout my entire Bali trip, but unfortunately i wouldn't do it the slightest bit of justice. haha.

So much for time

2008-03-11T16:28:00.005+08:00

Take time to realize,
That your warmth is

Crashing down on in.
Take time to realize,
That I am on your side
Didn't I, Didn't I tell you.

But I can't spell it out for you,
No it's never gonna be that simple
No I cant spell it out for you

If you just realize what I just realized,
Then we'd be perfect for each other
and will never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder if
we missed out on each other now.

Take time to realize
Oh-oh I'm on your side
didn't I, didn't I tell you.
Take time to realize
This all can pass you by.. Didn't I tell you

But I can't spell it out for you,
no its never gonna be that simple
no I can't spell it out for you.

If you just realized what I just realized
then we'd be perfect for each other
then we'd never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder if
we missed out on each other now.

It's not always the same
no it's never the same
if you don't feel it to.
If you meet me half way
If you would meet me half way.
It could be the same for you.

If you just realized what I just realized
then we'd be perfect for each other
then we'd never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder
Just realized what I just realized
______

______

It's already the middle of my holidays.. Technically. Just finished my one and a half day science camp. I have to say it was a lot better than i anticipated. I'm not at all sorry i went. In fact it was quite fun. Hahaha.

Packing for Bali tonight. I leave bright and early tomorrow. I hope it isn't really wet and raining. I have a bad feeling it might be. The movies on the plane this month aren't that great. Next month though, there are lots of good ones. Mostly R-rated.. or M18. haha.

Gahh it feels like i've no time to do anything. Like i need to find where i put my PTM form and CLB form and all i know is that they're buried somewhere underneath all the junk on my desk. Don't even begin to talk to me about holiday homework. I'll damn near hit someone. Not to mention the fact that PW results are looming. I bet they'll just hit us with it one day.. Post the results up on some really public notice board for the entire school to see. Just great. I can't bear the thought of it. I might have done many things differently if i got to do it again.. but i wouldn't want to do it again. It was way too tedious stressful and time consuming.

It's raining pretty heavily now.. Really cosy and cold at the same time. I'd love to curl up and take a nap but i can't until my mum leaves for the airport. I love it when the rain gets like this.. As long as i'm indoors. I'm just too lazy to step out in rain because i won't want to get wet. Actually it's not a consistent desire. Sometimes i love standing in the rain. It depends. Haha. I know i sound like such a airhead. I feel like having a nice cup of hot milo. Toodles until i return from Bali..hopefully with all my limbs fully intact.

It comes in waves

2008-03-09T15:27:00.005+08:00

The storm is coming but i don't mind.
People are dying, i close my blinds.

All that i know is i'm breathing now.

I want to change the world...instead i sleep.
I want to believe in more than you and me.

But all that i know is i'm breathing.
All i can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.
_______

_______

I suppose things tend to happen when we least expect it and to the people we least expect it to happen to. It's like we can envision how our lives are gonna work out at one point in time.. but then when we're least prepared, we're hit with a major blow which completely throws you off balance. It's really awful, but maybe sometimes it's like from a higher power.. Like to test us.. See how strong we really are. Maybe that's why it always seems that bad things happen to good people. Maybe good people are worthy enough to take this "test".
____

Just got home from a malay wedding. The first one i've ever been to if im not mistaken. Tanty got married. I think she's too young to get married but i guess being 21 the decision is purely hers. I discovered her full name is Inez Tantyanna Abdullah Wyatt. She's eurasian-malay.. but i guess the fact that Michelle and Tanty dont really see their dad much means they're more malay. She looked beautiful today though, and her husband's fairly good looking as well. The one thing i have to mention about the wedding is the fact that the dancers were... men.. with make up.. dressed in womens costumes, dancing... and okay i dunno but i found it rather disturbing especially this one guy..or girl.. who was really shaking his/her butt rather vigorously. Haha. The first part they were dressed as guys. Like how weird. A guy dressed as a girl.. dressed as a guy.. Talk about being confused. I swear it was all very amusing. The guests.. especially this entire colony of the groom's biker friends were really enjoying the dancers. hahaha. Food was good anyway. And the desserts.. unbelievably mouthwatering.
_________

Science camp tomorrow. DONT WANNA GO. I've got to go pack for Bali and camp in a bit. How awesome is that? I hope sharifa and i dont go completely insane with all the infusion of science.
_____

PW results should be out soon if im not wrong. God pleeaase give Clare and me As. We'd be ETERNALLY grateful. I think we put in a lot of effort and it'll be such a shame if we didn't do well.. I hope the rest of the class does like generally better.. I really think Ms Chia did a wonderful job with our PW. We seriously owe her.
_______

Till We Ain't Strangers

2008-03-08T18:32:00.002+08:00

It might be hard to be lovers
But it's harder to be friends
Baby, pull down the covers
It's time you let me in
Maybe light a couple candles
I'll just go ahead and lock the door
If you just talk to me baby
Till we ain't strangers anymore

Lay your head on my pillow
I sit beside you on the bed
Don't you think its time we say
Some things we haven't said
It ain't too late to get back to that place
Back to the way we thought it was before
Why don't you look at me
Till we ain't strangers anymore

Sometimes it's hard to love me
Sometimes it's hard to love you too
I know it's hard believing
That love can pull us through
It would be so easy
To live your life
With one foot out the door
Just hold me baby
Till we ain't strangers anymore

[Solo]

It's hard to find forgiveness
When we just turn out the light
It's hard to say you're sorry
When you can't tell wrong from right
It would be so easy
To spend your whole damn life
Just keeping score

So let's get down to it baby
There ain't no need to lie

Tell me who you think you see
When you look into my eyes
Lets put our two hearts back together
And we'll leave the broken pieces on the floor
Make love with me baby
Till we ain't strangers anymore
______

So I failed A level Chinese. I suppose it's to be expected. It was always too hard for me. Always getting the lowest in class. Well at least i guess CLB isn't gonna be too much of a drag. Enough people i know are taking it as well. At least i can say i tried huh. I guess the only reason i was upset at one point was the initial shock when i first saw that ugly fat U next to my name. I mean i suppose in spite of my sucking so bad at chinese, i did have some sort of "hope" that i'd pass and be able to forget all about chinese right? But well, the upset and disappointment lasted all of 5mins so it's cool.
_________

It was my turn to be in charge this week for KidzRead. I read the kids a book called Kitten's First Full Moon. Basically it's about this kitten who's never seen a full moon before and thinks it's a bowl of milk in the sky. It's pretty cute. I know my mum read it to me when i was young. Anyway i'm just glad my turn to read is OVER. hahaha. tsk.
_____

The holidays are here!! I should be jumping up and down in excitement, but really, i'm not. I'm dreading the long week. Firstly, monday and tuesday will be spent in school for the duration of "much anticipated" science camp. Now i don't feel like going for the sake of some fun in the holidays. But oh well we promised and paid n everything. So what the hell right, might as well. Then the day after science camp i'm off to Bali for a short vacation. I'm getting to miss the drama camp. =) haha. Well Bali should be fun. I'm bringing my Great Expectations just so i can catch up on my reading and be productive at the same time. I bet i won't touch any holiday homework while im on holiday. Anyway we get back on saturday night.. Then sunday is a usual church day and the following day, Back to SCHOOL. lovely. Right now i just want to close my eyes pretend i've got no obligations whatsoever, and go back to sleep. But it's like everytime im not doing anything now, i get worried.. Like i've got so little time am i sure there isn't something i'm forgetting to do.

Stuff and bother.

DEAR SHARIFA...

2008-03-07T20:38:00.001+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HONEY!!!

remember, You light up my life =)

Love you fuzz monkey!

Limping

2008-03-04T20:56:00.002+08:00

I dont know why but like the last 2 days at MOS in amk jubilee, we have seen SO many people walking by with a limp. It's really funny. It's come to a point that we couldnt help but stare at any elderly person walking by to see if they're limping. I blame it on the Mas Selamat business. I mean, seriously now everyone notices people with a limp.

Paid 10cents to get into "Narnia" today. I won't deny it was one hell of a journey. Especially to the Polar place 180degrees south of Narnia. They've got really nice sugar rolls. hahahaha.
_____

Every one is SPECIAL. in his or her own way =) This is for the little boy.
___

Fucked up Lit and Chem and definitely tomorrow's maths paper as well. Might as well give up. Start studying properly after CTs. Might get more done then. Right now the pressure is really just having the most adverse effect on me. I guess it's also natural to hate studying and school. How we ever got conned into this "education" business is really beyond me. It'll take me a whole other lifetime to get all this so-called "important information" into my head. If only the consequences of failing weren't so severe. It's what's on the inside that matters right??? Your Heart and not your Head.
__

Ha. The cute-sy & the "mature". Not that it's of much significance anyway, but children alone reserve the right to be cute-sy.

Today on the bus on the way to amk this rude man suddenly asks loudly. "What school are you from??" I really hope it's not because we were being jubilant people and eating cranberries. I mean not like i did anything against the LAW right?? Hahaha. That arse of a man. If it was the bags on the seat, the bus was frigging empty. If it was the laughing, then perhaps he lives a love-less life and is a bitter old grump. Okay not that old or anything. If it was the tossing of cranberries across the aisle, I picked them up off the floor! So really, i dont see any way the man could accuse us of any crime.
_

The polar ice caps are melting! hahaha. I dont know.

There's a song that's stuck in my head. But purely in a mocking nasal voice. Salama knows it VERY well. I believe she heard it a gazillion times today HUH. hahaha. Just remember, its dangerous to have it in your subconscious honey, u never know who's gonna hear it. ;)
______

I suppose i should return to attempting to practice SOME maths before tomorrow. It would be reaallly sad if all i can do is stare at the questions tomorrow.

OH note to all: Do NOT sit at the back of the audi extention for an exam unless you LOVE FREEZING COLD WEATHER. I swear everyone around me was shivering. With jackets on. And those without, god i can only begin to imagine the agony. The moment the teacher said you may leave the hall, sharifa and i ran to the back, grabbed our bags and bolted for the door. It took a good half an hour to recover from the intense cold.

xo

Linger

2008-03-02T16:45:00.003+08:00

It's raining again. I love the rain. It makes me feel satisfied somehow.
I'm addicted to cranberries. Not just cos of sharifa's feeding time. hahaha. My house is always stocked with cranberries. Since last year really.. And i just keep eating and eating them. Maybe one day ill get sick of them.

Lit and GP papers tomorrow. SAVE ME. i swear im gonna flunk lit. I dont know squat about Othello.

Sleep sleep and more sleep

2008-03-01T22:27:00.003+08:00

This is result of my efforts at CIP today. Don't laugh i feel like ive been deprived of colouring. But sticking the shaky eyes was something the kids really seemed to love. A boy in my group drew so many fish just so he could stick eyes on all of them. Jen read the kids a book about fish and we had to help get the kids to draw fish, and learn to spell a few words. Next week's my turn to read to them. I dont really know how well they'll enjoy the book tho, cos the pictures are really black n white throughout. But it's one of the few relatively simple books that are a better level for the kids.
_______

I got home after CIP and was unbelievably tired. I swear i fell asleep on the bus home. When i got home i decided to take a nap from 3 to 4. I woke up at 6. Just great. Pretty much wasted a day of potential studying. But i suppose catching up on sleep's important too. Plus the weather was fantastic for sleeping.

My com's been crashing every little while lately. I don't know if i should tell my dad and take it in for servicing or just re-format it like i always do. Well nothing's gonna get done now at any rate. Oh i can't find my freaking list of maths formulas. I think i lent it to someone? Ugh. N now i'm trying to do the freaking revision package and it's frustrating cos i dont know any formulas. I'll probably have to go write em all out from the lecture notes.

This Aint A Love Song

2008-02-29T23:59:00.000+08:00

If the love that i've got for you isn't gone,

If the river i've cried IS that long.

If the pain that i feel is so strong,

And really, i'm holding on.

Does it make this any more of a love song?

_____

LEAP YEAR!

Today was pretty much the last day of term. Not counting the week of common tests due to arrive in 3 days. Now the J1s are wearing the uniform and it feels rather unsettling. Now it's pretty hard trying to figure out if someone is J1 or 2. I wonder if our seniors felt the same way when we started wearing the uniform last year.

Sat in detention today with the T37 dentention-ees. I dont think i got much work done in dentention because of FRIENDS, but night study was way more productive. I know for a fact though, that im never gonna finish studying everything by CTs. I guess it's alright. At least i'm trying right? Ive gotta start somewhere. Class CIP tomorrow. Not that i dont want to help little kids learn english, but it's a saturday morning! I can think of a million things i'd rather be doing than waking up at 8. And let me tell you all of those things include sleeping in till noon.

Oh fuckety. I just realised it's the 1st of march!! It never fails to amaze me how fast time flies.
_____

I don't have any advice for you but to keep on walking. Sometimes, things really are all they seem.

I won't disagree

2008-02-28T21:54:00.004+08:00

Just arrived home safely after 4 hours of econs tuition. Talk about brain drain. My brain feels like mush. To prove my point i just spent a good 2 minutes staring at the previous full stop, trying to remember what i wanted to say. And to top it off, the sentences ive managed to form so far have had almost no relevance whatsoever to my original train of thought which as of this moment is so far gone it's useless trying to recall it. Did that last sentence make sense? I hope so.

All i want to do now is SLEEP. I dont know why but the last few days ive been feeling a lot more tired than usual. Like i've been falling asleep in classes and breaks and not been able to control myself. For instance, today. I fell asleep during the last 15mins of lit, and slept through the next period which was a 1 hour break. Other people either went down to the canteen or did other things. Then i was woken up after the break for a lecture and i couldnt even remember which lecture we were having. I feel so out of funk at the moment. Maybe i need to sleep for like 12 hours straight or something. Like recover from this daze. hahaha.

_____________

They say you've got a hold on me,
I won't disagree.

One exciting night

2008-02-27T22:43:00.003+08:00

Who'd have guessed that when Mingxuan burst into the canteen proclaiming a terrorist had escaped from a detention center nearby, he was telling the truth.

This JI dude, Mas Selamat Kastari escaped from Whitley Detention Center at 4.05pm, and walks with a limp.

The whole of night study was disrupted i swear. it was pretty hilarious. Apparently a few people had received the CNA news package on their phones about the break out. At one point, while we were studying in the canteen, some chinese newspaper photographers entered the school compound n started taking pictures of us. Then after, got a ride home with mingxuan's dad who drove us Gardeners(shao ren, daryl n me) along the back roads to see all the commandos and the police n guns. The guys' imaginations were seriously going wild. There were commandos everywhere along the outside of whitley road. Like every tree along the main road had 2 armed men.

I dont see how much use that could be seeing as he had escaped like 5 hours earlier but whatever. haha. I hope they catch him. Imagine if he'd blown up the school. No common tests! haha.
_________

Anyway jac just went into surgery a while ago. Really hope everything goes alright.

It's Only Life

2008-02-26T23:01:00.002+08:00

5 days to CTs. Just kill me already. I swear. Just got back from night study and i spent the whole night listening to this song by Kate Voegele. gotta love it.
________

Tears are forming in your eyes
A storm is warning in the skies
The end of the world it seems
You bend down and you fall on your knees
Well get back on your feet, yeah

Don't look away, don't run away
Baby it's only life
Don't lose your faith, don't run away
Baby, it's only life

You were always playing hard
You never could let down your guard
And if you can't win, if you never give in
And to that voice within, saying pick up your chin
Baby let go of it , yeah

Don't look away, don't run away
Baby, it's only life
Don't lose your faith, don't run away
Baby it's only life

Don't look away, don't run away
Baby, it's only life
Don't lose your faith, don't run away
Baby it's only life

Take your hesitance, and your self defense
Leave them behind, it's only life
Don't be so afraid of facing every day
Just take your time, it's only life
I'll be your stepping stone, don't be so alone
Just hold on tight, it's only life
oh..yeah

Don't look away, don't run away
Baby, it's only life
Don't lose your faith, don't run away
Baby it's only life
_______

To my darling Jaclyn Chong! ):

2008-02-25T23:05:00.004+08:00

Dear Jaclyn Chong, I hope you read this from your wonderful A class ward. I really hope everything's alright and that you can get back to school as soon as possible. I hope you liked the bear and may he/she keep you company everynight. You can always call me you know, im here for you. Love you a gazillion yellow bananas!!! And this picture pam drew for you today is really cute.And you know Pam, Vic and I are always gonna be your guardian angels yes? haha. Good night my dearest! Get well soon!!

I was bored

2008-02-25T14:03:00.002+08:00

Okay i know i should be home studying for CTs since im on MC but today i just cant bring myself to. And i decided i was sick of the old blog so im renewing it. The old one is still there tho.

Click HERE to go back to the old posts